July has been hard. For some reason, I have felt a lot more emotional and missed home so much more than in previous months. Living away from home is something I got used to when I lived on the ship. But I think that not having as much to do, as much to see, made me realise more of what I have left at home. I find myself reaching to call my mother or speak to my friends and family all the time. I cry for no apparent reason and my poor partner has to suffer my mood swings.
Now at first, I worried that what I was feeling was regret about moving here, but then I realised that it is completely normal to miss a part of your life that is such a huge, huge part. It was absolutely nothing about Rafael, or me not wanting to be here. That realisation alone took a lot of weight off my shoulders. It is a horrible feeling thinking that you wish you had made a different decision, even worse when I could feel that’s what he was thinking too.
I have done a lot of thinking this month, trying to think about how I feel and what I want (refer to last post haha) and through my journey of some self-discovery and remembering what my mother ALWAYS told me “if you say you’re going to have a bad day, you’re right. If you say you’re going to have a good day, you’re right. Your mindset is your most important tool”, I realised that of course, mum was right.
So, I’ve started waking up and telling myself it’s going to be a good day. When something goes wrong, I accept it, laugh about it then move on. And 100%, Rafael has been the most amazing partner I could have ever asked for when it comes to this. He has been so patient, kind and understanding. We both knew that this journey wouldn’t be easy (although, I don’t think either of us realised how hard it would be!).
With this new state of mind, I have decided to look back on July and focus on the things that made me happy this month and share them with you.
We got WI-FI. Now it sounds simple and materialistic, but being able to call my mum without standing outside in a corner with the ants (I HATE ANTS) holding my phone to the sky, has made it so much easier to stay in contact and feel like I’m still there. Plus, it means I can watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race and keep up with the new season of Game of Thrones. The little bit of luxury brings me a lot of joy.
Rafael. Now that we live together in our own apartment, I have learnt so much more about the man I fell in love with and I love him more each and every day. No, we are not a perfect couple, but I love his imperfections just as much as he loves mine. They make us such interesting people and we appreciate each other that much more because of it. Honestly, the amount of times we have just rolled around on the floor laughing has made such an impact this month. And I thank him so much for that.
Luna the Love-Bug is the newest member of our little family (post all about her soon!) and she brings such light and joy into our lives. I have spent so much time watching her chase her toys around the floors. And because we have tiles, she slips and slides around, it is the funniest thing. I have become that woman that has her phone filled with photos of her cat. But I mean, can you blame me? Look at her! She is honestly THE prettiest cat I have ever seen. She’s regal and delightful and so so sweet.
The rain. It is the wet season here in the Philippines which brings lots of rain, thunder and lightning. Coming from New Zealand, I am used to rain and wind and cold, so it feels a lot more like home when I can fall asleep listening to the rain hit my windows. We don’t get the cold that comes with the rain but I think my body has adapted and is slowly getting used to the temperature.
Our new condo. Having something to focus on while I am waiting to start work has been such a blessing. Scrolling through Pinterest, online shopping and being able to spend my time thinking of how good it is going to look has been so much fun! I have always wanted to decorate my own home, and while I can’t quite redecorate I can definitely spice up the décor. Hopefully, once it is all done I will have something that I’m proud of and feels like home.
So, even though I feel like July has been a really tough month, I still have lots of good things to be thankful for. It’s a reminder for me to stop focusing on all the negatives in life and take a step into positive thinking!